Read Time: 4 minutes
Psalm 51:10
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Forward
A deeply genuine confession to the Lord.
Journal
6/28/2015
Dear Lord,
This is bad. Again and again I’ve let the enemy take over my choices. I’ve given into my flesh and at the core of who I am I’m selfish, Lord. I’ve cut you off from myself and I’m ashamed that I allow you to be so far away. I’m content with seeking to satisfy myself when nothing in this world can satisfy me, Lord. Only you can. I’m going to be a leader, Lord, and I’m sinking in sin. A broken life. You are clearly still with me and I don’t know what to do, Lord.
After two and a half weeks of work my relationships with you has deteriorated. If I had a relationship with you in the first place, I’d stand strong against temptation but my sin humbles me and shows me there is more to our relationship then reading the Bible. Lord, I WANT you, but I’m content in taking the easier road to doing what I want. I’m tired and ashamed how easily I give into temptation.
Purify my heart and make me new, Lord. Make the gospel and your Holy Spirit all new to me again because I’m dying inside. Make me alive, Lord.
Reflection
The duality of knowing God is with me while also feeling frail and week.
This is a beautiful illustration of a man coming before God and asking for healing. Asking for help, who has acknowledged he’s done wrong.
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
What my life looks like now.
If I were to do something considered sinful, I may deny feeling guilty at first. Eventually, a friend or the holy spirit would convict me. Then I would seek out actions to take to prevent that sin from entering my life again. In the example of lust, if I gave in, eventually the holy spirit would convict me in my denial. I would then confess to a group of believers who know me deeply. And then I would take action by blocking access, moving my phone into another room for a few nights, or throwing away objects that lead to sin. The actions themselves were ways of obeying God. Ways to acknowledge that I am weak and need him.
In this journal, we see that I was drowning, with a cinder block chained to my ankle in this idea that I am unsavable and unloved and fully distant from God. There seemed to be no way out of this distance from God.
Were these emotions valid? Were they the new reality I had to base my life on?
Feelings become your reality. Its a common cognitive distortion. That because, “I feel distant from God” I believe that I AM distant from him. Therefore, I needed to uncouple my emotions from the truth. The truth is that God sees me as his son always.
I think a part of my younger self tried to use emotions to show God how sorry I was. If I could produce this great negative emotion and I felt was this horrible person, he would have mercy on me. It would spare me from his judgement.
I was trying to recruit God’s mercy through an emotional storm.
At that time, couldn’t I just as easily brushed it off, received forgiveness, and continued my walk with the Lord without the drowning?
Questions
How are your emotions dictating how you view God?
Can your emotions get in the way of drawing closer to God?
What’s the truth about how He sees you?
My prayer is that he renews a right spirit in you, today.
Call to Action
Take a Deep Breath.
Come up with one thing that’s keeping you further from God than you want.
Say out Loud
“Lord, _________ in my life is taking me further from you. I give you ________ so I can be closer.”
