Read: 6 minutes
Romans 6:14
For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.
Forward
I hope that this struggle is relatable and makes sense. Time an time again the battle surrounding lust and temptation is mental, the silent battle happens AFTER giving in.
Journal
May 31st, 2015
I’m screaming inside. Summer is coming back with full force and I can’t stop this dreadful feeling of resentment. Resentment towards myself for what I’m giving into it. I’ve lost the fight in me. If I had any in me to begin with. I want to cry out to people and tell them how horrible I am and confess but I can’t. No ones here. The longing for beauty was too strong. I keep wanting to stop the sin but I need to search the problem of the heart, God. I don’t really want to talk to you because it hasn’t been helping me. That’s how selfish I am.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO GOD, WHY IS THE ENEMY SO HARD TO RESIST? HOW DID YOU DO IT?
I’m sorry I chose this over you.
You were telling me the whole time to back out and I blatantly ignored you. Disobeyed you. Killed a piece of you that’s inside me. How is it possible that I feel like I haven’t changed at all God? Or is it just the enemy. I know I have to treat this wound while its still fresh.
I want to be truly sorry.
So confused... Where do I go....
Reflection
When I fell into temptation, look at what happens to the mind. It’s like a mental autoimmune disease. Sin breached my mental defenses and I mistakenly view myself as the enemy. So my mentals puts up a fight against itself. The brain is affected through inflammation, headaches, and fatigue. The energy spent attacking itself is immense. It isolates me from others to figure out how to resolve it. It does not even feel safe to confess to God. The last thing I want is help.
Cortisol levels rise, heart rate rises, blood pressure rises. All sympathetic responses to a threat.
Part of what is happening here is shame. The brain reacts to shame by hijacking the pre-fontal cortex (impairing logical thinking) and stimulates the sympathetic nervous system (CPTSD Foundation). This is a fight, flight or freeze situation. I’m fighting myself and fleeing everyone else socially, even God.
The cascade of events is that I use porn, I experience shame, fight or flight response triggers, I hate myself and withdrawal or isolate.
The enemy didn’t have to do much here. I did the majority of his work for him. He sets things in motion but I further criticized, judged and hated myself.
I was the one holding myself down.
In John 5 there’s an lame man who couldn’t walk. Jesus asks, “Do you want to get well?”
The lame man replied with an excuse. He couldn’t because of other people jumping into the well ahead of him.
Jesus tells the man, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”
So the man was healed and then he obeyed. Hard to tell what came first.
Later on Jesus meets the man and says, “See you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you” (John 5)
This man wasn’t healed because he stopped sinning first. He was healed amidst whatever sin he had going on. Jesus loved the man, cut through the excuses he was making and brought healing.
Jesus said to stop sinning, why would he tell him to do something that feels so impossible? Is Jesus asking us to stop sinning? If so, what does that even mean? Can I just stop doing the action I hate? Is it even about the action or is it about the mindset? Or is it both the action and the mindset?
If I took Jesus words literally, stop sinning its very clear instructions. I have a tendency to interpret his words, “Well maybe he was using it as a metaphor for our hearts,” so I can continue my maladaptive behaviors while some how keeping my “heart” clean before God. Its all connected, heart, mind, body spirit.
To fix this issue in my life, I couldn’t keep trying to fix it on my own. The same way I had been trying to fix it for 20 years. I was making excuses, and Jesus was calling me to pick up my mat. I needed help. By the grace of God I got involved with a group of seven men dedicated to fighting porn in their life.
I have been over a year free from watching pornographic content.
If you are struggling with porn and lust, that can be you too. What do you need to do differently in your recovery?
Romans 6:14
For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.
Personal Questions
What would it look like for you to obey Jesus and pick up your mat?
Do you believe you have any power over sin in your life?
Can you see yourself making any excuses in your life that are holding you back?
Call to Action
I want you to identify One thing in your life holding you back.
I want you to say “Blank is holding me back”
